The Chaos Has a Pattern Now.

     I love patterns. I can understand patterns. I'm not very good at processing my thoughts or feelings; honestly I don't understand them most of the time. So when I came across this "pattern" or "cycle" in this book I'm reading Red Moon Rising by Pete Greig, it all made sense. God is always present in our lives (or so the "Footprints in the Sand" poem told me), but here's a process that helped me understand how our dealings with God sometimes look, and the spiritual journey is not at all about "getting there." I thought I'd share the process; I had to type up the whole thing, so I clearly believe it's worth the reading!

1. Numb, dumb, heart
     The passage of time brings to every disciple the pounding of pleasure, pain, and sin. These conditions can imperceptibly harden our hearts, slow the arteries, and make once lithe muscles grow inflexible. We are generally unaware of this aging process, but God sees and cannot look away. He loves us too much and has called us to too much to allow us to settle for less than full spiritual health. At such times, the writer of Hebrews says that God "disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness" (Hebrews 12:10).
     In order to call our independent minds and self-satisfied souls back to a place of spiritual intimacy and dependency, God must make out numb hearts begin to feel again. Through Scripture  circumstance-perhaps even through this book-He may begin to trouble and disturb your soul. Such feelings are not often associated with the Holy Spirit. They may be like the tingling ache in your mouth after the anesthetic wears off after dental surgery or the howling pain of greater loss. But there can be no movement in our lives until we are confronted with the reality of our current state.
     This is the first stage, and for me it took the form of sleepless nights troubled by something I couldn't define. This is a lonely time because you are feeling something you can't explain-even to God.

2. Wrestling 
     Next comes the wrestling, trying to make sense of this inner turmoil, looking for words to describe what you are feeling. You may study Scripture, splurge in your journal, read books, write songs, go for walks, and try to pray, wondering why you're weeping or waking or wondering about taking some crazy, counter-intuitive step. Of course, God is watching all this new activity with delight, biding His time.

3. Waiting
     When eventually God gives you words for the things that are troubling your heart (and I'll say it again: this may take some time), things become easier. The internal storm calms, and you can talk at last with clarity to God and to others. The chaos has a pattern now. There may be no answers yet, but at least you have questions and you will throw these at the Almighty again and again. You no longer wrestle with yourself, but like Jacob, with God. This is the time of waiting and watching and can last years or mere minutes.

4. Blessing
     Finally God steps in. The one who sowed those atomic seeds in your hard heart in the first place, the one who watched you cracking up and breaking down, the one who gently gave you the questions and waited and watched while you learned to pray, that same God now steps in to bless. A heart that was hard is now bruised and bleeding soft. An independent adult has become needy, humble, and poor in spirit. A self-sufficient child has succumbed to a hug. You have learned to need and to heed, to wait and to watch once again.

     In the past year, I've seen every stage of this cycle. And I can pinpoint the times things began to change and shift to the next stage. Obviously, the first 2 stages are rough. I'm naturally awful at processing things, but when I can't even explain my feelings to God, I know it's bad. It was frustrating; while I never doubted God's existence, I doubted his presence in my own life and doubted that he could really speak to me like I saw Him speak to many of my friends. It was a lonely time. I had to decide what He was calling me to after I graduated, but I wasn't hearing his voice at all. So I took a crazy, uncertain, leap of faith and moved to England, and He's beginning to verify my decision now. I love what the end of stage 2 says, "Of course, God is watching all this new activity with delight, biding His time." God's there, in the midst of it all, please remember that. And it's easy to say now in hindsight, being at stage 3,  but I can't tell you how encouraging it was to read that. I literally started tearing up (never happens); God was there watching me the whole time in delight? WOW! It was never about me having to work to get better in my relationship with God! So now it's stage 3 for me, and the chaos finally has a pattern now. I was really beginning to miss the patterns. Thank you, God!
     So I'll try now to patiently wait for stage 4, knowing that after the blessings God will break me again and I'll loop back to stage 1. But next time I can be confident that God truly is watching it all in delight. I hope this process in writing helps you as it did me. Thanks for reading!