Broken.

     That's certainly the theme of these last couple of weeks. We recently got the washing machine fixed so I can have clean clothes again. But then the internet went down last week and we had to order a new modem that we just got in Monday. And a couple of days ago the freezer and then fridge went out so our food is either rubbish or given to someone else (It's a big ordeal to get it fixed or buy a new one). Thank you Jesus, the heating still works! So during an extremely lonely and exhausting week, I had no internet, (Skype, phone, Netflix...etc) no easily accessible friends close by, no car to go someone to feel "independent," and no inspirational church/message to help me refocus and worship. If God ever blatantly said, "Rachel, I'm removing EVERY distraction so that you will turn to me alone," he certainly did this week. I'm feeling pretty broken. I feel like it's a constant battle; every day is different. One day I love it and I feel insanely blessed to be here, using my gifts and passions to tell others about Jesus. And the next day I'm so broken, asking God why the heck I'm even here, I've left everything comfortable and familiar - for what? A group of ungrateful kids who tell me they'll never believe in God? 
     Well, last week was one of those wonderful times. Last Sunday we started an Alpha Course, studying the basics of Christianity with the youth leaders. We'll be teaching these truths to the older students starting in January, so we're studying them now with the leaders so we'll all be prepared and on the same page when we begin. It's be great getting fed and poured into spiritually since a church service never goes very deep into the Scriptures. Although it's a slow beginning and even new knowledge to some of the leaders, I know it's beneficial for all of us!      

Lightning Bolts group with leaders

     In Christian Union, (school work) we talked about the sacrifice aspect of the gospel. We played a couple of videos which explained that our sins merit death, but that Jesus' love and choice to sacrifice His life has given us the opportunity to accept God's grace. I asked my group of girls what they thought about this part of the gospel. One of the girls is Agnostic and said, "I just don't feel entitled to discuss this, and I don't think I could ever be convinced that it's completely true. I don't think I'm entitled to know absolute truth; who am I to say that I am?" Wow. I don't think I've ever truly realized how cocky Christianity appears to the outside world. The Bible says "it's foolishness to those who are perishing (1 Corinthians 1:18)." And for I second I pondered her statement thinking, "what a humble thing to say..." But then I remembered, we are entitled to know absolute truth; everyone is! Christ's death makes us worthy! One of my favorite quotes is by John Piper, and I've used it countless times since I've been here. He says that"the wisdom of God devised a way for the love of God to deliver sinners from the wrath of God while not compromising the righteousness of God." So often kids will ask how the loving and forgiving God that I worship could send a person, who He created, to Hell. It's a balance of justice and love. You can't have one without the other. God can't lower his standard of perfection or He wouldn't be a fair and righteous judge, so He sent part of Himself down to earth to die in our place. LOVE. This Wednesday we will finish the Gospel series we've been studying at the school, so please pray that the kids will continue to ask questions! 
     Last Tuesday I made my first real grown-up dinner for the church vicar and his wife. I made Italian Meatball Casserole courtesy of the UMHB meth house recipe (Methodist Church lunch); it was delish. I had a wonderful time talking to the vicar about his process of coming to Christ and then feeling called to "the ministry" as we call it in the good 'ole US of A. I love hearing people's testimonies here because they're so different than the typical "grew up in a christian home" beginning that we usually hear in Texas. More and more I'm realizing that "coming to Jesus" is such a slow and steady process here. But when they come, they are so sincere and obedient, and they've truly counted the cost. 
     Thursday we had some of the junior leaders and college (high school-aged) kids over for dinner. I made chicken and beef enchiladas, homemade spanish rice, refried beans (from a can) and guacamole! It was a feast for me, but a new experience for many of the students. We asked their opinions about all the youth groups and got ideas on how to improve. We also discussed creating a discipleship/Bible study for them and what they might like to study. They have such brilliant ideas so I'm excited to get to hang out with them this week in smaller groups. More on this in the coming weeks! 

Matilda, Lucy & I in Lightning Bolts

     Christianity is just not part of the culture here. I knew that when I came. But I've realized how much of the Gospel has been spoon-fed to me and how much I just accepted without questions. And I knew this fact too. Because Christianity was part of my culture, there really wasn't any cost. I never felt like I wanted another option or that I was missing out on anything else out there. I completely and totally believe the Bible is 100% true, and I can share the Gospel backwards in my sleep in words that a 11 year old kid who's never stepped foot into a church could easily understand. But this means nothing to these students! No amount of Bible verses or personal testimonies seem to change this. I've been watching videos from the 2012 Passion Conference and Louie Giglio says that boldness to share your faith isn't about volume or repetition, it entirely rests on your confidence in the Gospel. So while my confidence naturally tends to rest in my knowledge of Scripture and my ability to clearly share the Gospel, my confidence isn't always in the Gospel itself. This needs to change.
     I love my Lightning Bolts. The Middle Schoolers. They're crazy, and disrespectful most of the time (iPhones are now my worst enemy), but they ask great questions. 3 weeks ago we showed them a video about kids their age from around the world who had questions for God - questions about poverty, alcoholic or absent parents, and if God loves us, why do terrible things happen? We then gave them an opportunity to anonymously write down their own questions for God. Most of the kids, we realized, wanted to know how God created the world, why He created them, and how He could let bad things happen to good people. So last night we began to look at those questions, starting with the basic: Do you believe God exists, why or why not? I got a wide range of answers and reasons from my girls group, but one thing is clear: they all have big questions. Most of their ideas about God stem from what they've seen the elderly do at church, participate in a boring, irrelevant, untrue, and legalistic religion. It's hard to change their impressions. So I try to convince them of the power of the Gospel and show them how it's radically changed me, enough to uproot my life in America to come to a small, boring town in England (NOT LONDON) because I believe God loves them and has a plan for their life. But logic alone will not work; it will take time, and probably not before I leave them, before they see this at truth. So I pray for perseverance to continue living and sharing truth, and loving these kids as I grow in confidence of the God who I serve and the reason I'm here.
     It's been a discouraging and emotional ride. I'm lonely and I miss UMHB with the constant spiritual encouragement and accountability. As independent as I want to pretend that I am, and as independent as I actually am, I've discovered that the people around me have had a huge influence on my life. My family, friends, sisters at UMHB...I'm so thankful for them. But God has brought me here for this season and don't want to be spending one second of it wishing I was somewhere else or wondering how my life would be different if I was doing something else. I am incredibly blessed by my heavenly father, and as much as I try, I can't even begin to imagine the blessings and adventures He has for me down the road. So be content, Rachel. And for all those reading this, wherever you are now, be fully there. God says His will for you is to fearlessly proclaim the mystery of the gospel whenever you open your mouth. The rest is just details. 

"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly as I should." 

-Ephesians 6:19-20