"But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God." -Acts 20:24
Before Jesus ever started his public ministry, God had created a pain, but he also created a path to healing. Luke 8 tells the story of a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years. And during all those years, God was working. At the same time the woman began to bleed, God created Jarius' daughter who, 12 years later would need to be raised to life, causing Jarius to look for Jesus. And as Jesus was in route to heal the little girl, he encountered the woman who started it all, and who, by faith, called out for redemption.
So Jesus stopped.
Sunset View from Apartment 1604
He could have felt the power leave him but continued on his way to heal the girl, but he chose to stop, and from Jarius' perspective, delay. He cared deeply for this woman who reached out in faith. He cared because his father had created this journey, this route, more than 12 years ago, hoping that she would reach out in faith to be healed.
And so Jesus stopped.
Bible project - mobile of priorities with Jesus at center
When he stopped, he turned his back to Jarius and looked around. And he used this woman's pain to show Jarius that he has enough power to heal both sorrows.
Yet how often do I feel personally hurt when he turns to answer another prayer or heals or saves someone else while I am begging for his help. But the truth is that his choice to stop for another does nothing to take away from the power in my story. There is always more compassion and more time.
His time is not our time. Why did he let her bleed for 12 years? We'll never know this side of heaven. But while she waited, she was not forgotten. He was working.
In English we say "God is working" or "God is at work." But in Spanish there's another word - "obrando." It goes beyond the idea of working or managing or operating. It implies more of a "creating" or "designing" and the word "obra" can be used to talk about a work of art or a play. I love this because it better portrays the process of God in us. It's a photograph being developed in a dark room, a story being dreamed up, or a seed planted but not buried forever. It is not finished.
I've been thinking a lot about suffering as it fits into the Gospel. Lately I've had several conversations with teachers and students about a new documentary called American Gospel. Here's the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU75EzbdNEc American Gospel highlights US church leaders who are falsely preaching a Gospel of prosperity: God desires for you to be happy, healthy, and wealthy. When you're not one of these things, the philosophy argues, you need to name and claim the better, easier things you want from God.
B U T W H E R E I S T H I S I N T H E B I B L E ?
me speaking at our high school retreat
Old Testament - Noah, Joseph, Job, Hosea, Ruth...etc. All people who suffered. They were mocked, sold, tortured, broken, and alone. Yet God used them to re-populate the world, save all of Israel from famine, be examples to God's people, carry on the family line to Jesus...just stuff like that. New Testament - Literally all the the disciples tortured, killed, exiled for their faith in Jesus. Paul, who repeatedly asked God to remove a "thorn from his flesh" (2 Corinthians 12) and who delighted in weaknesses and hardships, so that the power of Christ may be evident in His life.
S O W E M A D E I T U P.
As I've discussed this "prosperity gospel" with my students, I've realized that this North American mentality has made its way to South America too. Many churches here preach a message that says do ___________ and God will give you __________. I believe this sets people up for 2 different responses:
RESPONSE 1 - Distraction from depth in relationship with God due to all his "blessings." Constantly thinking that more has to be done in order to "keep up," or worse, thinking that somehow you really do deserve all the blessings. RESPONSE 2 - Disappointment when you're working hard, and God doesn't seem to live up to his end of the "bargain" because life is painful or hard. Disappointment stems from thinking we are owed more that we are given.
ankle sprain doesn't stop me from coaching woman's staff team
Here is a true promise straight from the mouth of Jesus: "In this world you will have troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). So why are we surprised when pain comes? Why do we immediately try to avoid or repair it? I think we're actually missing out on this incredible steadfast strength that Paul mentions.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times that our sin and poor choices make life more difficult for us. There are absolutely consequences for going our own way and it is often painful. But what I'm talking about here is the truth that God desire for us to be holy, not just happy. He is using the pain to stretch us in extremely uncomfortable ways. For those of us who have truly surrendered our story to God, our lives are not our own. "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?" (Job 2) I've started reading a book called It's Not Supposed to be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst. This book is about how we have fallen from God's original design, but that we live on this side of eternity, where God is still in the process of redeeming all stories for his glory. She describes an addiction to comfort and the fear of being "touched" by God like this: "Being lulled into a false sense of security is worse than going through the process of suffering."
My dog Sammy and I in our apartment in Bogotá
In other words, it is far better to walk through the path of pain holding hands with Jesus, than it is to miss out on the growth that can only happen in these seasons of life.
B R O K E N S E A S O N S
When you've continuously waited for God's promises but you feel like maybe He forgot and you're tempted to try it your way.
When you did the right thing and now your friend won't talk to you.
When your loved one fought hard the first time, but now the cancer is back.
When you spoke up for the right thing at work and you got fired.
When you have been begging God for a child while you struggle to celebrate with others who are getting pregnant so easily.
When you thought you heard from the Lord so you took the risk and followed, but now you question His goodness and your own ability to hear His voice.
When God takes away your child.
When the person you trusted the most rips your heart out and not even time can fix it.
When you're still not healing and you're tired of fighting.
I'll never get tired of soccer or mountains
Life is hard. It is painful. It is unfair. But we can take courage knowing that we are in good company and that we're not "doing something wrong." Just like Noah, Joseph, Job, Hosea, Ruth, Paul, at all the others, God is more interested in my holiness than my happiness. And he is doing something! with all of it! it's not over! Jesus is the lead example to say "not my will, but yours" God, be done in my life. But these struggles are what remind us that our hope is directly anchored to an unchanging promise of God's goodness and the eternal weight of glory. Don't run from him, let the hurt draw you to scream, and poor out your heart to him. Instead of trying to escape the pain, let God use it.
When the risk to wait is greater than the risk to go. I've always loved going, changing, and leaving because, as C.S. Lewis said, "there are far greater things ahead than any that we leave behind." At almost two years in Bogotá, I've beaten all my past records by living here the longest. I'm still here. But I can feel myself getting restless. And now is when I realize that it's scary to stay. The new is fun. People back home are inspired by your faith, you form new relationships from 0-60 in no time at all because all the newbies are in desperate need of community: a family. Your failures don't matter as much because you're still new. And you hold this excuse like a security blanket. The excitement of seeing your comfort zone get smaller and smaller in your rearview brings a rush of adrenaline. But then the scary moment comes, and you start to wonder "what's next." People back home begin to forget. Your relationships start to bend or even break. Your new family starts to see all your flaws. And you fail. Oh man, do you fail. You break the hearts of the ones you chose to love. You cry. You feel more lost than you've ever felt. You question every choice you've made thus far. Your comfort zone looks awfully comfy back there. You want to run again and start over with the new. In 2017 I've experienced all of these things. The other day I was starring into a mirror. Apart from the obvious imperfections on my eyelashes and eyebrows from getting my face lit on fire, I began to notice other details. My immediate reaction was to fix or to hide these blemishes, because I didn't want others to see it. I needed to be better. But then I thought about the family I have here. They know me. They've seen me at my very best and at my very worst. Several of them have seen the messy, uncensored parts of my heart. And they didn't leave. They're still here. These are people I've chosen to let in to help chisel me into the image of my Father. Jesus, I'm so thankful for this family that you have chosen to walk with me through this season. I can't wait to see how we change and what you call us to when we are tethered to you and busy at work, not focused on "what's next" (1 Kings 19:19-21).
I'm starting to see the fruit of staying. Last week, a friend at school challenged me to stay at ECA next year for the sake of staying, for the sake of leaving the "new" behind and entering the "potential failure" zone. It's terrifying. But I want to stay and fight; I want to grow in discipline. Even though I what I'm doing right now at ECA is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, God knows this. He also knows that I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. This doesn't mean that I can't be a good steward with this season that He's given me. God's given me new joy for this time, without looking ahead for "what's new." As many of you know, every year I pick a word for the year to represent what I'm praying to see God do in my life that year. In 2017, my word was "dine" and Jesus challenged me to spend time being "wined and dined" by him, and to learn to receive from others, something that's always been uncomfortable for me. In 2018, my word is "tethered." I want to be so close to Jesus that I immediately feel the loss when I wander. And what better way to experience this than to stay here at ECA in Bogotá, to feel God tethering me to something.
Thanks, Fam. I love you. See you next year, El Camino.
Pretty much all the teachers and staff at school have this song on repeat this Christmas season. How encouraging that God's plan is waiting.
I’m back in Bogotá, or what has been my home for the past 18 months. Bogotá. Which leads me to the question, “what is home?” Texas was hard for me in so many ways because it no longer feels like home. Sure, I like driving around Austin and gorging on all my favorite taco joints, and of course I love seeing all my friends and spending time with my church family. But I'm starting to understand why Paul says our citizenship is in heaven. If we truly belong to that world, then we shouldn’t get too comfortable here. Jesus, too, was constantly misunderstood and lonely in our culture so I guess I’m entering into good company.
Family at cousin's wedding in California
VULNERABILITY TIME: But more than a home, the deepest thing I desired in Texas was a bridge. Jesus knows, but I’m so tired and saddened at each new adventure without anyone with whom to share it. It's increasingly harder each time to cross over "back home" without a partner who understands my worlds. I'm so thankful that I never walk alone but I am also ready for someone here, who's constant. Pray for me to have big faith to ask for big things but also trust in my storyteller.
David and his parents
On my way back to Bogotá I had the amazing opportunity to stop in Guatemala for 2 days to visit the child I sponsor through Compassion International. I was tired of forgetting to pray for him and I thought if I met him that he would become more a part of my world. I also wanted some time to process with Jesus and I hadn’t done something that scared me in a while. So off I went, thankful that I now know enough Spanish to not get lost and miss a flight.
Volcano in Guatemala
When we walked up to David’s house (he and his family live in Retalhuleu, about 4.5 hours from Guatemala City) I didn’t know what to expect. David was wearing the nicest clothes he owned (I could tell because he looked so uncomfortable in them!) and they had decorated the door with balloons and a “Bienvenida” (welcome) sign. They even set off little fireworks when I walked through the gate! (although I couldn’t see them so this scared me half to death). I spent the morning sweating away sitting in their little home and getting to know David more. For lunch we went to a chicken restaurant and continued to talk. David plays chess (and of course, soccer) and has won several competitions at the national level with kids much older than him. What stood out to me was his joy and excitement to talk with me, and his mother's thankfulness but also sadness at not being able to fully provide for her son. Please join me in praying for this family, especially for David's father, who struggles with alcohol and becomes very violent when he drinks.
Between Guatemala to Colombia I had a layover in Costa Rica, where I got to explore and process things with Jesus. I stopped at this church in Alajuela, outside of San Jose and just sat and listened to my creator.
I heard a song (at the end of this post) and realized that it was my life. I have meticulously set up stones to lead to the desires of my heart. I have treated my author as if he needed my help directing my life to the ending.I’ve created idols of the good desires God has given me. I’m always either reminiscing about memories in the past or dreaming about desires to come. I’ve built up my life preparing for a future I’m waiting to start. Because of this, I can’t truly enjoy this season. I'm not content. I don’t see God for the powerful director he is and therefore I expect very little of him. I sold my previous life and left Texas, learned Spanish (mostly), and am now so focused on finding the solution to my brokenness - fulfilled desires of serving and loving street kids, and finding the perfect man to complement me in that ministry. Because of plan, I find myself lost and confused when the stones don’t add up. I don’t see his “no” as protection. I see them as failed attempts.
Besties in Austin
SURPRISE! But God doesn’t need my help writing my story. He doesn't need the stones. I will only hurt myself and others when I try to bypass the wait.
So here’s to the end! The end of worshipping my plans and asking God to “bless” them. The end of holding on to hopes for too long, expecting God to do things He’s never promised me. I trust you, Abba, that your ways are best and I’m tired of getting in the way with my own stones. I’m letting go to receive all that you HAVE promised: LOVE that is whole, PEACE I can’t understand, JOY in all moments, and POWER that fulfills your promises.
I’m ready to be present in this season and think about what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise. Please pray with me that I can learn, what Paul calls, the SECRET of being content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4)
Sorry I haven't written in a while. Here are a few things that have been happening this spring.
1. High School youth retreat at El Camino Academy - I spent a weekend away with the high school students. It was great to spend more relational time with my kids and see God working in their lives.
Deborah and I at her wedding
2. Trip to Texas for my cousin's wedding - I went back to the States (for the first time since I've been in Bogotá) for Deborah and Zach's wedding. It was a short visit but such a blessing to see many of my friends and family as I stood by my cousin's side, celebrating, as she said "yes" to God's new season in her life.
3. Rachel Jaster's visit to Bogotá - I brought back my best friend, Rachel, to Bogotá after the wedding. She gave up her Spring Break to visit my world and it was such an honor to introduce her to my students, friends, and be encouraged by her friendship and prayers.
Aladdin
Aladdin
4. Aladdin play - I had the privilege of directing the famous "Spring play" at ECA this year. It was a huge undertaking, especially as a first-year teacher as I was also continuing to teach my Language Arts classes. But by the end of this 3-month process I was so proud of my students and the results they produced. These kids are so funny and creative and we're all so excited for next year's play!
Mission Team to Cumeral
5. Semana Santa Mission Trips - This week, during our Spring Break or Holy Week to prepare for Easter, ECA sent out 5 mission teams to different places around Colombia. These are all incredibly tough trips that are hot, dangerous, uncomfortable and sacrificial. I was planning on going on one of these trips, but after Aladdin, I was exhausted and in desperate need of recovery time before school starts again and we run towards the finish line of summer. So I decided not to go this year; it was a difficult decision but I was blessed with the gift of letting students and other teachers borrow things for their trips and I get to spend the week praying for all the teams, instead of being a part of just one trip. The rest of the school year seems like it will be a whirlwind. We have less than 2 more months of school then I will go to Vancouver and California to spend 2 weeks with my family and attend my cousin Kelly's wedding. Then I'll be spending the rest of the summer in Texas.
Please pray for me in this season. God has been revealing to me that I have been uncomfortable with Jesus' death on the cross and the ways he shows me his unconditional love. Even after years of prayer, I am still the older brother in the story of the prodigal son. I am still trying to earn my keep and my place at his table. I am still uncomfortable with that fact that it's all free. I am still, at times, an orphaned. Please pray for me as I process this with Jesus. I want to be free from this bondage and enjoy his great love so that I can also receive his love from others. Please also pray for my relationships with people here in Bogotá as it has been difficult. As missionaries we are often expected to have life "all together" but through living in community with other missionaries, we are realizing that this expectation creates very selfish, needy people. Please pray for my co-teachers and I, that we would love well and put each other's interests in front of our own.
"Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours." - Luke 15:31
"Make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but also take an interest in others." - Philippians 2:2-4
This time last year "Make a Way" by I Am They was my jam. (click here to watch video) I probably listened to it 10 times a day. I was a couple days away from uprooting my life to Bogotá, Colombia. Unlike most people who move overseas, I didn't have a plan B. I couldn't move back in with my parents if things didn't work out. I packed my 26 years into 3 suitcases and sold everything else I owned. It was so scary. I was days away from moving and still didn't have all my funding. I was living with my brother and sister-in-law in a different city than the others on my team, and I remember wondering if I was about to make the worst mistake of my life.
Team Bogotá 32 at Easter
But jumping into the water to meet Jesus is never easy. And it's never worth it if it's not a risk. Looking back on the past year, it's been a rollercoaster. In January of 2016 I moved in with a family of 4 and 3 other single people. We moved to Bogotá with plans to start a church in our home and minister to college students at a local university. We studied Spanish. A lot. We played soccer. A lot. And we met a ton of people anywhere we went - public transportation, Uber, restaurants, and more. We were a sight to been seen. Over the course of the year, we saw the very best and the very worst of each other. Sharing lives with so many different souls is not easy.
My family in Bogotá in June
Yet it was because of this experience that I learned that Jesus is truly my shepherd. My only job in this life it to humbly walk close to his side. I don't need to be concerned with where I am going because he knows the places, situations, and people who are best for me to grow, whether for a short season or for much longer. I learned that as long as I'm content walking with him, he will somehow use me and prepare my steps ahead of me. And even though 2016 did not go at all the way I expected, God has provided all that I need. A quote from my favorite cheesy, Christian, middle school movie says "when God throws a curve ball, don't duck; you just might miss something." This has certainly become true in my life. My life has been full of curveballs, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My lowest points have been balanced out by unbelievable adventures. And the funny thing is, I would never has experienced my Savior's constancy had it not been for all this change. He is faithful, y'all. Never be too afraid to jump the boat that you miss out on seeing his character.
Teacher trip to Peru in October
Machu Picchu and Llamas!
In July I started a job teaching at an English-speaking, Christian school. My heart had desperately missed working with teenagers. I started as a part-time language arts and theater teacher. The day before I started at El Camino Academy, I remember being incredibly unsure. I thought, "this isn't why I came to Colombia. Am I bailing on my group by jumping ship to work at this school? What will my supporters think if I start doing something else?" Curve ball. But now I can't imagine my Colombian life without this job.
Disney day at school-10th grade
In December I moved out of the house I had been living in since January 2016, and I moved in with another teacher from ECA. I love being closer to school and closer to the other teachers I work with. It's an unbelievable blessing to be a part of this community of Jesus followers.
New Year's with teacher friends
So for all of you who have asked how long I will be living in Colombia, I have no idea. I don't need to know. I am first and foremost a citizen of heaven, so where I live and serve on this planet isn't relevant. As long as I am journeying close to my shepherd, the job, place, and people are a means to help me enjoy and glorify him and prepare myself for the next curve ball that comes my way.
You brought me to the desert so You could be my water
You brought me to the fire so You could be my shield
You brought me to the darkness so You could be my morning light
If You brought me this far, if You brought me this far
…I have everything that I need. Recently the theme of sheep and shepherd has come up numerous times in my life. And ironically, the name “Rachel” means “Little lamb.”
a picture I took of sheep from the UK
I have been in Colombia for almost 2 months now, and I am truly learning what it means to be the sheep, fully reliant on my Shepherd.
Naturally, I'm a do-er; my love language is giving acts of service. I like to feel needed and do things for you to prove my affection. The problem is, with Jesus, He doesn't need me. It's the older brother in the story of the Prodigal Son. He was too busy slaving away for his father that he didn't get to enjoy the father's blessing of being close to him.
“His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours." -Luke 15:31
Karate Kid "Wax On, Wax, Off"
I would much rather spend my time serving and doing things to prove to Jesus how much I love Him, but what He really wants is my heart and my time. It grieves Him when I don't recognize this. These last few weeks have been difficult because we are taking things slow, and 5/8 of us have been sick with bronchitis. We are building our home, building our team, learning the language and learning the culture. We are not at the ministry speed that we want to be. But God finds joy in that. We are spending our mornings in worship and prayer as we grow in our team relationships. We are spending time with our Shepherd, Father and Rescuer, getting to know Him more so that we can eventually bring others to Him. We are becoming bell sheep, allowing Him to use this time for His glory. In the Karate Kid, Miyagi teaches Daniel to fight by leading him through a "wax on, wax off" car wash approach. While Daniel sees these lessons as a waste of time, he eventually realizes that his teacher has been preparing him for battle. That is what I see the Holy Spirit doing with our team. It takes time that may seem like a waste, but in the end it will send us right to the places we need to be.
Here's a story that my awesome best friend Rachel Jaster encouraged me to look into. It's a story of a sheep that learned what it looked like to stay close to the shepherd.
"After all, God seems to prefer guiding us in a way that keeps us close to Him, and His was is unhurried. He would prefer to guide me as my companion for the journey rather than hand me the directions that I'd be tempted to run off with, leaving Him in the dust. Maybe I could learn to ask less for God's guidance and more for a sense that He is being my guide, to ask less for help and more for the awareness that He is my helper, and to ask less for strength and more for the confidence that He is my stronghold."
- An Unhurried Life by Alan Fadling
Father, help us find contentment in being your bell sheep. There, you give us all that we need.
