The Cost of Really Seeing

     Throughout my life, I have had two different perspectives of God. Obviously, based on the titles, they're both partially flawed, but I'll explain the dangers of each in a minute. 

1. The Controlling Teacher - God is sovereign and in control. His ways are best and I can trust his goodness and timing. Everything is for my good and I don't need to question him. There is freedom in surrender, and I need to just "let go and let God." He knows all the answers and if I trust him, I shouldn't ask for the answers. He's the teacher I have to listen to and respect, but in my head I sometimes question if he has any idea what he's talking about. 

2. The Passive Comforter - God cares for me and grieves when I grieve as he whispers "it's not supposed to be this way." Sin, brokenness, hurt, unmet desires, suffering etc. are all a result of an imperfect world and God's choice to allow us free will. But after the pain, he promises to redeem it all and bring good out of it. He comforts me in the aftermath, but doesn't have any real control to do anything about it. 

Just a picture of Sammy,
living his best life in the snow 

I saw God in perspective number 1 for a long time in my life. The problem with that perspective shows up suddenly when we first experience real pain. Not the I'm-stressed-because-HEB-ran-out-of-toilet-paper-during-a-pandemic kind of pain, the kind that breaks your heart and keeps you from getting out of bed in the morning. The problem with "just accept this as his plan" is that it makes him seem sooooo cruel in the pain. Why would he allow this to happen? Why isn't he doing anything about this? This can't be his best way. Babies go hungry, parents bury their children, teenagers never get adopted, mass shootings end lives. This cannot be a good God's "best way." 

So once I felt pain, I "subscribed" to perspective 2 because I needed a God who saw the suffering and truly cared. 

I believe the Bible, so God must be good. But since he allowed us free will, the answer must be that he can't really make his best happen. He's constantly having to respond to things and turn them into being for my good, but he really doesn't have full control. He's passive, but caring. Reactive, not proactive. At least, I decided, he's not cruel. 

Ultimately, 

Perspective 1 forces me ignore the cost of pain because then he's not good. 

Perspective 2 forces me to wallow in the pain because then he's not powerful.

But both of these perspectives left me longing for a better view. God was too small for me and was therefore either not good or not powerful, two things I have always been told he is. I needed to experience him, see him fresh. But would I be ok with just seeing him? Would I be ok if he didn't answer any of my questions? 

I'm reading through the Gospels this year - the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the Bible. And I'm asking God to show himself in a fresh way. I don't want to just "merge" these 2 perspectives together for a more "wholistic" view of God, I want new eyes to see him. And so far he has shown me how he doesn't care about the things we care about as humans. I mean, I always knew that, but he flips our world upside down with the things he says and does. He chases after the marginalized, the poor, the misunderstood, and least-likely. 

In John 5, Jesus heals a crippled man. The man had been crippled for 38 years and sat waiting by a pool known for its healing powers. Most translations remove verse 4, but I recently read it in a different translation. It gives a new meaning to verse 7 and the story as a whole. Verse 4 says "from time to time an angel of the Lord would come down and stir up the waters. The first one into the pool after each such disturbance would be cured of whatever disease they had." Both the pool and the God's angel were unfair. The system was unjust. It seemed to play into the lie that "God helps those who help themselves." So this poor, disabled man tells Jesus that when the waters are stirred, he gets passed by others who are quicker to get to the water than he is (verse 7). 

As I was reading, I asked God, "why would you allow for that? It's so unfair and hurtful for this man and anyone else with the disadvantage of being able to see or jump up and run when the angel came!"

And God asked me, "what would that man have missed if he was able to find healing when the angel stirred up the pool?"

The answer is humbling and honestly frustrating. Had the man never been crippled, or had he made it to the pool to be healed easily or early on he ... 

... w a i t - f o r - i t ...

N E V E R    W O U L D    H A V E    S E E N    J E S U S. 

Now of course, you saw this coming. It's obvious. There's a long list of people in the Bible, way before you and me, who experienced this:

• 
  Mary and Martha would not have seen Jesus' resurrection power had Lazarus not died. At that point the world had only seen him as healer, not resurrector. (John 11)
• Job never would not have seen God had he not allowed him to suffer. (Job 42:5)
• The Roman centurion would not have met Jesus had he his servant not been sick. (Matthew 8) 
• Hagar would not have seen God if she had not been mistreated and in the wilderness. (Genesis 16:13)
• Jarius would not have met Jesus has he daughter not been sick. (Mark 5)
• Jeremiah would not have written a book of hope in the midst of lament had he not experience the pain and loneliness of being a prophet of God. (Lamentations) 

...the list goes on and on. 

So the question is, is the pain worth it to see Jesus? Ugh. Paul encourages believers in 2 Corinthians 4:

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

The cost is high in human, earthly terms. Is this pain worth the joy that is to come? We can't just whimsically say "sure" and not confront the reality of our present suffering. We can only accept the cost when we've truly counted it and when we see Jesus walking in it with us. 

Often times I have more questions than answers. But I'm still asking for new eyes because I know that he is good and I know that he is powerful. And seeing him is enough. 

For more info on this topic, I encourage you to read Tim Keller's book Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering. It has challenged a lot of my own perceptions of pain (specifically how we see it in our Western Culture) and how God sees it, with his eternal perspective.

When Your Credits Don't Transfer

     My debriefing counselor called it "ambiguous loss." But I love metaphors. So that's what I'm calling this season: When Your Credits Don't Transfer. You've heard of the frustration the loss of credits can cause, maybe even experienced it yourself. When you invest time, energy, money, and more into a university and you gain a wealth of knowledge and life experience, but then you transfer to another university. And they don't see your credits as valuable. What they're working toward isn't what you've been working towards. And you're left with all these seemingly worthless credits. 

     I think about this quote from Gloria in the show Modern Family. She's Colombian and tired of having to translate from Spanish to English in every conversation, and wants to be able to speak to someone in her own language in her own home. She finally yells "do you even know how smart I am in Spanish?" While I am definitely NOT that smart in Spanish, I think the concept still applies. She's frustrated that her life experience isn't appreciated in the world that she's living in, and she's tired of being misunderstood because of it. 

     I spent the majority of my 20s living in another country, and coming back to Texas, I feel super behind. I have credits - spiritual/emotional, professional, cultural - that haven't all transferred back. I'm not sure how to get "credit" for them in a world that seems to follow a clear-cut, linear timeline. North American, Jesus-following believers, we MUST stop affirming life only by one trajectory of events. College degrees, careers, marriage, promotions, vacation plans, birth / adoption of children, a new house, a new car, the remodeling of said house....etc. These are ALL blessings that should be celebrated, but they cannot be the only things we celebrate. After all, while he was on this earth, Jesus experienced almost none of the things we celebrate today, and you know he probably wanted to scream "do you even know how worshipped and recognized I am in heaven!?!?" Just kidding, he was too humble for that. He knew his "heaven-credits" would never transfer. 

     I think that's why he went after the poor, the broken, marginalized outsiders. Because he knew they didn't fit in in this world. That's so comforting to me when I look at the injustice in our world. We are citizens of heaven and our earthly credits won't transfer to our eternal home. 

     So let's celebrate those whose credits aren't seeming to transfer. Let's ask them what life credits they have earned and what pieces of himself God has given them through it. He always gives us something: 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 

Blessed are those who mourn,

    for they will be comforted.

 

Blessed are the meek,

    for they will inherit the earth.

 

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

    for they will be filled.

 

Blessed are the merciful,

    for they will be shown mercy.

 

Blessed are the pure in heart,

    for they will see God.

 

Blessed are the peacemakers,

    for they will be called children of God.

 

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

- Matthew 5