Stones.

Friends in Austin

I’m back in Bogotá, or what has been my home for the past 18 months. Bogotá. Which leads me to the question, “what is home?” Texas was hard for me in so many ways because it no longer feels like home. Sure, I like driving around Austin and gorging on all my favorite taco joints, and of course I love seeing all my friends and spending time with my church family. But I'm starting to understand why Paul says our citizenship is in heaven. If we truly belong to that world, then we shouldn’t get too comfortable here. Jesus, too, was constantly misunderstood and lonely in our culture so I guess I’m entering into good company.

Family at cousin's wedding in California

VULNERABILITY TIME: But more than a home, the deepest thing I desired in Texas was a bridge. Jesus knows, but I’m so tired and saddened at each new adventure without anyone with whom to share it. It's increasingly harder each time to cross over "back home" without a partner who understands my worlds. I'm so thankful that I never walk alone but I am also ready for someone here, who's constant. Pray for me to have big faith to ask for big things but also trust in my storyteller.

David and his parents

On my way back to Bogotá I had the amazing opportunity to stop in Guatemala for 2 days to visit the child I sponsor through Compassion International. I was tired of forgetting to pray for him and I thought if I met him that he would become more a part of my world. I also wanted some time to process with Jesus and I hadn’t done something that scared me in a while. So off I went, thankful that I now know enough Spanish to not get lost and miss a flight. 

Volcano in Guatemala

When we walked up to David’s house (he and his family live in Retalhuleu, about 4.5 hours from Guatemala City) I didn’t know what to expect. David was wearing the nicest clothes he owned (I could tell because he looked so uncomfortable in them!) and they had decorated the door with balloons and a “Bienvenida” (welcome) sign. They even set off little fireworks when I walked through the gate! (although I couldn’t see them so this scared me half to death). I spent the morning sweating away sitting in their little home and getting to know David more. For lunch we went to a chicken restaurant and continued to talk. David plays chess (and of course, soccer) and has won several competitions at the national level with kids much older than him. What stood out to me was his joy and excitement to talk with me, and his mother's thankfulness but also sadness at not being able to fully provide for her son. Please join me in praying for this family, especially for David's father, who struggles with alcohol and becomes very violent when he drinks. 

Between Guatemala to Colombia I had a layover in Costa Rica, where I got to explore and process things with Jesus. I stopped at this church in Alajuela, outside of San Jose and just sat and listened to my creator. 

I heard a song (at the end of this post) and realized that it was my life. I have meticulously set up stones to lead to the desires of my heart. I have treated my author as if he needed my help directing my life to the ending.  I’ve created idols of the good desires God has given me. I’m always either reminiscing about memories in the past or dreaming about desires to come. I’ve built up my life preparing for a future I’m waiting to start. Because of this, I can’t truly enjoy this season. I'm not content. I don’t see God for the powerful director he is and therefore I expect very little of him. I sold my previous life and left Texas, learned Spanish (mostly), and am now so focused on finding the solution to my brokenness - fulfilled desires of serving and loving street kids, and finding the perfect man to complement me in that ministry. Because of plan, I find myself lost and confused when the stones don’t add up. I don’t see his “no” as protection. I see them as failed attempts. 

Besties in Austin

SURPRISE! But God doesn’t need my help writing my story. He doesn't need the stones. I will only hurt myself and others when I try to bypass the wait. 

So here’s to the end! The end of worshipping my plans and asking God to “bless” them. The end of holding on to hopes for too long, expecting God to do things He’s never promised me. I trust you, Abba, that your ways are best and I’m tired of getting in the way with my own stones. I’m letting go to receive all that you HAVE promised: LOVE that is whole, PEACE I can’t understand, JOY in all moments, and POWER that fulfills your promises. 

I’m ready to be present in this season and think about what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise. Please pray with me that I can learn, what Paul calls, the SECRET of being content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4)