When Your Credits Don't Transfer

     My debriefing counselor called it "ambiguous loss." But I love metaphors. So that's what I'm calling this season: When Your Credits Don't Transfer. You've heard of the frustration the loss of credits can cause, maybe even experienced it yourself. When you invest time, energy, money, and more into a university and you gain a wealth of knowledge and life experience, but then you transfer to another university. And they don't see your credits as valuable. What they're working toward isn't what you've been working towards. And you're left with all these seemingly worthless credits. 

     I think about this quote from Gloria in the show Modern Family. She's Colombian and tired of having to translate from Spanish to English in every conversation, and wants to be able to speak to someone in her own language in her own home. She finally yells "do you even know how smart I am in Spanish?" While I am definitely NOT that smart in Spanish, I think the concept still applies. She's frustrated that her life experience isn't appreciated in the world that she's living in, and she's tired of being misunderstood because of it. 

     I spent the majority of my 20s living in another country, and coming back to Texas, I feel super behind. I have credits - spiritual/emotional, professional, cultural - that haven't all transferred back. I'm not sure how to get "credit" for them in a world that seems to follow a clear-cut, linear timeline. North American, Jesus-following believers, we MUST stop affirming life only by one trajectory of events. College degrees, careers, marriage, promotions, vacation plans, birth / adoption of children, a new house, a new car, the remodeling of said house....etc. These are ALL blessings that should be celebrated, but they cannot be the only things we celebrate. After all, while he was on this earth, Jesus experienced almost none of the things we celebrate today, and you know he probably wanted to scream "do you even know how worshipped and recognized I am in heaven!?!?" Just kidding, he was too humble for that. He knew his "heaven-credits" would never transfer. 

     I think that's why he went after the poor, the broken, marginalized outsiders. Because he knew they didn't fit in in this world. That's so comforting to me when I look at the injustice in our world. We are citizens of heaven and our earthly credits won't transfer to our eternal home. 

     So let's celebrate those whose credits aren't seeming to transfer. Let's ask them what life credits they have earned and what pieces of himself God has given them through it. He always gives us something: 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 

Blessed are those who mourn,

    for they will be comforted.

 

Blessed are the meek,

    for they will inherit the earth.

 

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

    for they will be filled.

 

Blessed are the merciful,

    for they will be shown mercy.

 

Blessed are the pure in heart,

    for they will see God.

 

Blessed are the peacemakers,

    for they will be called children of God.

 

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

- Matthew 5

There and Back Again

The other day I was listening to a sermon when I accidentally typed "sacrifice" instead of "surrender" in my notes. Oops. "Easy mistake," I thought. "They're basically synonyms." But as I continued to think about it, they're not. Not even close. 

A sacrifice is a check for $500. It might hurt. But I know how much I'm giving and can choose if I'm ready and willing to make that sacrifice. I can look around at others and compare my sacrifice to theirs, coming up with a specific amount, just more than theirs, that makes me feel just a bit more holy. I can ask God what he needs and sacrifice that much from my own pile. The sacrifice is about me and what I think God needs from me. And I (sometimes subconsciously) say "hey look over here," so he'll notice all I'm giving. I expect him to act on my behalf, or at the very least, thank me. I mean, come on, I sacrificed. 

But surrender is a blank check. I offer it, not knowing what it will cost, not seeing what others have paid. I can only offer it when I trust the recipient. When else would you give someone a blank check? Surrender is about the one I surrender to, it's humility, and there's nothing flashy to draw attention or praise to it. It is hidden.

Living in Bogotá, Colombia the past 5 years has been a sacrifice. I have missed out on countless events, opportunities, highs and lows in my hometown with my Texas family and friends. I have grown up and finished my 20s in Bogotá. I have embraced a new language and culture that sees the person before the task and the present before the efficient. I've fallen in love with my wonderful students and been blessed to see the Holy Spirit working in their lives. I've stumbled into a role that fully uses my theater major, proving that God uses our obedience over logic.

But now I'm being torn from that life. Asked to surrender and come home.

I'm coming back to Texas feeling like I'm 23 again, returning from England full of unexplainable experiences that I can't fully communicate. All the while everyone else has continued on with their lives, most in completely new seasons since the last time we shared our lives side-by-side. 

So who am I now if I'm not "that friend who lives in Colombia" or a "cousin/daughter/sister/tia who's a missionary?" What if my identity isn't in being a servant? 

The perspective of the older brother in the story of the Prodigal Son has become a new favorite for me during my time in Colombia. I've always heard sermons that condemn the older brother for not being excited for the runaway's return, so I've felt guilty for relating to him more than any other character in the Bible. The book The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen has helped me see God's heart is not to condemn his older son; he sees the burden the older son has placed upon himself and has compassion for him. He sees his pain in slaving away, trying to earn a place in his father's house, and he desires for both of his sons to come home.

I have never doubted that I am at work for his glory. I am fully confident that me 'n' Jesus will have much to celebrate one day in eternity when we look back on this season. 

But is he at work for my good?While I've been busy being a good older brother to the prodigal son, a useful tool out in the field, have I neglected celebrating my own inheritance, or investing in my own life? In things that will be around next year or (dare I say!) in 5 years? My own life has been on pause so that I can give to others. But isn't that what he wants? My sacrifice? 

For the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable, he is hurt that the father eagerly gives the prodigal food and clothes, when he's been slaving away for years and the father "never once gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends!" The father understands this frustration and so do we! If what the older brother said was actually true, the father would be a really terrible Dad. But he's not. 'Cause here's the catch: it was actually always all the older brother's to begin with. The goat, the clothes, the house. ALL OF IT. He was a son. An heir. And he missed the chance to enjoy it because he was too busy trying to earn it. 

Imagine winning the lottery and instead of walking in to claim your winnings, you stand outside begging for the money to pay for it. It's already yours. You just have to claim it.

In Isaiah 1, God tells his people that their sacrifices actually burden him. He desires to heal them, but they're bent on giving him their sacrifices and gifts to earn his favor. It grieves him to see us work to earn our inheritance when it's already ours as his children!

It seems so simple. But it's anything but easy, at least for me. 

Surrender isn't giving anything up, but giving everything up. 

And accepting that it was all mine to begin with. 

Weird. 

So I'm a hobbit coming home. From sacrifice to surrender.

There and Back Again. 

The end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
The hobbits return home from their grand adventures, looking around at each other like, "what do we do with all that?"
It's so heavy. 
Yup, I get this vibe big time.
Welcome back to the Shire.

All I Have is Yours

by Rachel Jeske in April 2020

I was numb. 

I felt nothing. 

But I wanted to want Him. 

So I thought I had to go somewhere else and figure it out. 

My grace is sufficient.

That means that’s all you need.

And it works best when you feel weak.

But I needed to earn it. 

So I left.

The pain broke me. 

When you try your best but you can’t succeed, 

and you’re left picking up the pieces of the life you built.

Trying to salvage the story. The dreams.

All the while He whispered, “daughter.”

Stop doing and just be loved. 

But that made me uncomfortable.

So I left again. 

The holiest option is always the hardest, right?

Well, look what I can do for you.

A heart that feels like it never received what it was due. 

Seems so easy for others but so elusive to you. 

I have to trust that I’m wanted home, as the father urged his son to come inside.

He called me “beloved.” 

But I still felt more comfortable out in the fields. 

Look at how I’ve been slaving for you.

I asked him when would it all be enough.

When could I stop?

Have I not shown you that I love you? 

I screamed up to him.

I'm so lonely.

Why? All I have is yours.

Just ask.

The little sheep, with legs broken, will rest closer to the shepherd.

The shepherd will bring his flock back to the pasture. 

Which do I love more? The dream giver or the dream?

He’s not impressed with the sacrifice.

Just surrender.

Take what I have for you.

It was always yours to begin with.

All I have is yours. 

So the sheep came home to look.

"You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Mr. Baggins, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!"

-Gandalf to Bilbo in The Hobbit

He Stands With Us in the Rain

     Hey, party people? How's being grounded at home feeling? :) Shortly after moving to Colombia in 2016, I wrote a blog post about resting and remaining close to our Shepherd. 
Read it here: Blog - The Lord is my Shepherd

Sammy loves isolation
with his humans!

     In that post, I talked about The Karate Kid movie, which has meant a lot to me spiritually over the years. In the original film, Mr. Miyagi teaches a kid karate in a very non-traditional way, by having him do seemingly useless small chores and tasks for a long, long time. When Daniel is about to quit, Mr. Miyagi finally reveals the purpose of the training and shows Daniel that the menial chores were all part of preparation for a real opponent. None of it was worthless work and suddenly the karate kid is ready to enter the game. This is an encouragement for me in my walk with Jesus. There are so many moments that I feel time is wasted, and that I'm not doing "as much for God" as I could be, as if he even needs me. Ha! There are seasons I feel like I'm repeating things I've already learned - multiple times over. There are days I feel unseen, like God's just messing with me, and I'll never get to advance. But this movie shows us God's patient kindness by giving us seasons to grow and prepare. This time of preparation is not wasted, although it often feels like it during the waiting. 

Karate Kid (2010)

     This past week has reminded me of this film, as all of us are locked up at home for a while, thanks to COVID-19. So I watched the re-make film with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. And this picture really stuck out to me (to the right). The Mr. Han is training his mentee to "pick up and hang up his jacket," as physical movement of Kung Fu move later in the film. And as the kid trains, Mr. Han stands with him in the rain, holding an umbrella. He's not asking him to do anything that he won't stand with him to do. He is there and he cares for him by protecting him from the rain. This is the Holy Spirit in our lives! If you're reading this and you don't know a god who loves you and walks with you like this, I'm praying that you'll meet him soon. This is how Jesus loves!! He stands with us in the rain. 

me and the roomies celebrating
1 week in quarantine!

     Throughout the whole movie, the kid (Daniel or Dre, depending on which version you watch) is so anxious to learn to fight, to defend himself. He cares more about what his instructor can teach him than learning from him just by being with him. This is much less important in the movie, but I think it can also translate to our walk with God. I, for one, am often so much more concerned with the answers and the final result than spending time with my Lord in the process. Would I rather spend time with him, or do I just want the quick fix, the answers, and the final product? Would I rather have his wonders and his blessings, or would I rather have him? Do I truly believe that he alone is enough? Lots to think about. 

Spring Play: rehearsals 2 weeks ago

Spring Play: lines practice today 

     In other news! We are 11 days into the nation-wide quarantine here in Colombia, and the hope is that it will be over on April 13th. Things are weird, days are long, but I'm thankful for plenty of rest and time to spend with Jesus and catch up with friends. Life these days has definitely looked differently. 

middle school youth group last month

middle school youth group today

     We still have virtual classes for the students and my roomies and I have kept busy with sunbathing on the balcony, walking Samwise, doing Jazzercise videos, and planning weekly celebrations of the quarantine. I've also been getting more involved in my church and serving in the middle school youth group. It's been a great challenge for my Spanish and I'm loving being a part of youth ministry again! 


     Let's continue to pray for the COVID-19 virus to end quickly and for God to absolutely use this in the lives of his creation around the world. 

"Being still and doing nothing are two very different things." 

- Mr. Han in The Karate Kid (2010)

Jesus Stopped.

El Camino Academy Staff Retreat 2019

Before Jesus ever started his public ministry, God had created a pain, but he also created a path to healing. Luke 8 tells the story of a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years. And during all those years, God was working. At the same time the woman began to bleed, God created Jarius' daughter who, 12 years later would need to be raised to life, causing Jarius to look for Jesus. And as Jesus was in route to heal the little girl, he encountered the woman who started it all, and who, by faith, called out for redemption. 

So Jesus stopped. 

Sunset View from Apartment 1604

He could have felt the power leave him but continued on his way to heal the girl, but he chose to stop, and from Jarius' perspective, delay. 

He cared deeply for this woman who reached out in faith. He cared because his father had created this journey, this route, more than 12 years ago, hoping that she would reach out in faith to be healed. 

And so Jesus stopped.

Bible project - mobile of priorities with Jesus at center

When he stopped, he turned his back to Jarius and looked around. And he used this woman's pain to show Jarius that he has enough power to heal both sorrows. 

Yet how often do I feel personally hurt when he turns to answer another prayer or heals or saves someone else while I am begging for his help. But the truth is that his choice to stop for another does nothing to take away from the power in my story. There is always more compassion and more time.

His time is not our time. Why did he let her bleed for 12 years? We'll never know this side of heaven. But while she waited, she was not forgotten. He was working. 

In English we say "God is working" or "God is at work." But in Spanish there's another word - "obrando." It goes beyond the idea of working or managing or operating. It implies more of a "creating" or "designing" and the word "obra" can be used to talk about a work of art or a play. I love this because it better portrays the process of God in us. It's a photograph being developed in a dark room, a story being dreamed up, or a seed planted but not buried forever. It is not finished. 


Jesus does not delay. But he does stop. 

none of it is worthless.

me with my 12th grade homeroom class

I've been thinking a lot about suffering as it fits into the Gospel. Lately I've had several conversations with teachers and students about a new documentary called American Gospel. Here's the trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU75EzbdNEc

American Gospel highlights US church leaders who are falsely preaching a Gospel of prosperity: God desires for you to be happy, healthy, and wealthy. When you're not one of these things, the philosophy argues, you need to name and claim the better, easier things you want from God. 

B U T   W H E R E   I S   T H I S   I N   T H E    B I B L E ?

me speaking at our high school retreat

Old Testament - Noah, Joseph, Job, Hosea, Ruth...etc. All people who suffered. They were mocked, sold, tortured, broken, and alone. Yet God used them to re-populate the world, save all of Israel from famine, be examples to God's people, carry on the family line to Jesus...just stuff like that. 

New Testament - Literally all the the disciples tortured, killed, exiled for their faith in Jesus. Paul, who repeatedly asked God to remove a "thorn from his flesh" (2 Corinthians 12) and who delighted in weaknesses and hardships, so that the power of Christ may be evident in His life. 

S O    W E    M A D E    I T    U P.

As I've discussed this "prosperity gospel" with my students, I've realized that this North American mentality has made its way to South America too. Many churches here preach a message that says do ___________ and God will give you __________. I believe this sets people up for 2 different responses:

RESPONSE 1 - Distraction from depth in relationship with God due to all his "blessings." Constantly thinking that more has to be done in order to "keep up," or worse, thinking that somehow you really do deserve all the blessings.  

RESPONSE 2 - Disappointment when you're working hard, and God doesn't seem to live up to his end of the "bargain" because life is painful or hard. Disappointment stems from thinking we are owed more that we are given. 

ankle sprain doesn't stop me from coaching woman's staff team

Here is a true promise straight from the mouth of Jesus: "In this world you will have troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). So why are we surprised when pain comes? Why do we immediately try to avoid or repair it? I think we're actually missing out on this incredible steadfast strength that Paul mentions. 

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times that our sin and poor choices make life more difficult for us. There are absolutely consequences for going our own way and it is often painful. But what I'm talking about here is the truth that God desire for us to be holy, not just happy. He is using the pain to stretch us in extremely uncomfortable ways. For those of us who have truly surrendered our story to God, our lives are not our own. "Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?" (Job 2)

I've started reading a book called It's Not Supposed to be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst. This book is about how we have fallen from God's original design, but that we live on this side of eternity, where God is still in the process of redeeming all stories for his glory. She describes an addiction to comfort and the fear of being "touched" by God like this: 

"Being lulled into a false sense of security is worse than going through the process of suffering."

My dog Sammy and I in our apartment in Bogotá

In other words, it is far better to walk through the path of pain holding hands with Jesus, than it is to miss out on the growth that can only happen in these seasons of life. 

B  R  O  K  E  N      S  E  A  S  O  N  S

• When you've continuously waited for God's promises but you feel like maybe He forgot and you're tempted to try it your way. 
• When you did the right thing and now your friend won't talk to you.
• When your loved one fought hard the first time, but now the cancer is back. 
• When you spoke up for the right thing at work and you got fired. 
• When you have been begging God for a child while you struggle to celebrate with others who are getting pregnant so easily. 
• When you thought you heard from the Lord so you took the risk and followed, but now you question His goodness and your own ability to hear His voice. 
• When God takes away your child. 
• When the person you trusted the most rips your heart out and not even time can fix it. 
• When you're still not healing and you're tired of fighting.

I'll never get tired of soccer or mountains

Life is hard. It is painful. It is unfair. But we can take courage knowing that we are in good company and that we're not "doing something wrong." Just like Noah, Joseph, Job, Hosea, Ruth, Paul, at all the others, God is more interested in my holiness than my happiness. And he is doing something! with all of it! it's not over! Jesus is the lead example to say "not my will, but yours" God, be done in my life. But these struggles are what remind us that our hope is directly anchored to an unchanging promise of God's goodness and the eternal weight of glory. Don't run from him, let the hurt draw you to scream, and poor out your heart to him. Instead of trying to escape the pain, let God use it. 

N  O  N  E     O  F     I  T     I  S     W  O  R  T  H  L  E  S  S. 

Oh, The Places You'll Stay

     When the risk to wait is greater than the risk to go.

     I've always loved going, changing, and leaving because, as C.S. Lewis said, "there are far greater things ahead than any that we leave behind." At almost two years in Bogotá, I've beaten all my past records by living here the longest. I'm still here. But I can feel myself getting restless. And now is when I realize that it's scary to stay. 

     The new is fun. People back home are inspired by your faith, you form new relationships from 0-60 in no time at all because all the newbies are in desperate need of community: a family. Your failures don't matter as much because you're still new. And you hold this excuse like a security blanket. The excitement of seeing your comfort zone get smaller and smaller in your rearview brings a rush of adrenaline. 

     But then the scary moment comes, and you start to wonder "what's next." People back home begin to forget. Your relationships start to bend or even break. Your new family starts to see all your flaws. And you fail. Oh man, do you fail. You break the hearts of the ones you chose to love. You cry. You feel more lost than you've ever felt. You question every choice you've made thus far. Your comfort zone looks awfully comfy back there. You want to run again and start over with the new. 

     In 2017 I've experienced all of these things. 

     The other day I was starring into a mirror. Apart from the obvious imperfections on my eyelashes and eyebrows from getting my face lit on fire, I began to notice other details. My immediate reaction was to fix or to hide these blemishes, because I didn't want others to see it. I needed to be better. But then I thought about the family I have here. They know me. They've seen me at my very best and at my very worst. Several of them have seen the messy, uncensored parts of my heart. And they didn't leave. They're still here. These are people I've chosen to let in to help chisel me into the image of my Father. Jesus, I'm so thankful for this family that you have chosen to walk with me through this season. I can't wait to see how we change and what you call us to when we are tethered to you and busy at work, not focused on "what's next" (1 Kings 19:19-21). 

     I'm starting to see the fruit of staying. Last week, a friend at school challenged me to stay at ECA next year for the sake of staying, for the sake of leaving the "new" behind and entering the "potential failure" zone. It's terrifying. But I want to stay and fight; I want to grow in discipline. Even though I what I'm doing right now at ECA is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, God knows this. He also knows that I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. This doesn't mean that I can't be a good steward with this season that He's given me. God's given me new joy for this time, without looking ahead for "what's new." 

     As many of you know, every year I pick a word for the year to represent what I'm praying to see God do in my life that year.  In 2017, my word was "dine" and Jesus challenged me to spend time being "wined and dined" by him, and to learn to receive from others, something that's always been uncomfortable for me. In 2018, my word is "tethered." I want to be so close to Jesus that I immediately feel the loss when I wander. And what better way to experience this than to stay here at ECA in Bogotá, to feel God tethering me to something. 



Thanks, Fam. I love you. See you next year, El Camino. 

Pretty much all the teachers and staff at school have this song on repeat this Christmas season. How encouraging that God's plan is waiting.

Stones.

Friends in Austin

I’m back in Bogotá, or what has been my home for the past 18 months. Bogotá. Which leads me to the question, “what is home?” Texas was hard for me in so many ways because it no longer feels like home. Sure, I like driving around Austin and gorging on all my favorite taco joints, and of course I love seeing all my friends and spending time with my church family. But I'm starting to understand why Paul says our citizenship is in heaven. If we truly belong to that world, then we shouldn’t get too comfortable here. Jesus, too, was constantly misunderstood and lonely in our culture so I guess I’m entering into good company.

Family at cousin's wedding in California

VULNERABILITY TIME: But more than a home, the deepest thing I desired in Texas was a bridge. Jesus knows, but I’m so tired and saddened at each new adventure without anyone with whom to share it. It's increasingly harder each time to cross over "back home" without a partner who understands my worlds. I'm so thankful that I never walk alone but I am also ready for someone here, who's constant. Pray for me to have big faith to ask for big things but also trust in my storyteller.

David and his parents

On my way back to Bogotá I had the amazing opportunity to stop in Guatemala for 2 days to visit the child I sponsor through Compassion International. I was tired of forgetting to pray for him and I thought if I met him that he would become more a part of my world. I also wanted some time to process with Jesus and I hadn’t done something that scared me in a while. So off I went, thankful that I now know enough Spanish to not get lost and miss a flight. 

Volcano in Guatemala

When we walked up to David’s house (he and his family live in Retalhuleu, about 4.5 hours from Guatemala City) I didn’t know what to expect. David was wearing the nicest clothes he owned (I could tell because he looked so uncomfortable in them!) and they had decorated the door with balloons and a “Bienvenida” (welcome) sign. They even set off little fireworks when I walked through the gate! (although I couldn’t see them so this scared me half to death). I spent the morning sweating away sitting in their little home and getting to know David more. For lunch we went to a chicken restaurant and continued to talk. David plays chess (and of course, soccer) and has won several competitions at the national level with kids much older than him. What stood out to me was his joy and excitement to talk with me, and his mother's thankfulness but also sadness at not being able to fully provide for her son. Please join me in praying for this family, especially for David's father, who struggles with alcohol and becomes very violent when he drinks. 

Between Guatemala to Colombia I had a layover in Costa Rica, where I got to explore and process things with Jesus. I stopped at this church in Alajuela, outside of San Jose and just sat and listened to my creator. 

I heard a song (at the end of this post) and realized that it was my life. I have meticulously set up stones to lead to the desires of my heart. I have treated my author as if he needed my help directing my life to the ending.  I’ve created idols of the good desires God has given me. I’m always either reminiscing about memories in the past or dreaming about desires to come. I’ve built up my life preparing for a future I’m waiting to start. Because of this, I can’t truly enjoy this season. I'm not content. I don’t see God for the powerful director he is and therefore I expect very little of him. I sold my previous life and left Texas, learned Spanish (mostly), and am now so focused on finding the solution to my brokenness - fulfilled desires of serving and loving street kids, and finding the perfect man to complement me in that ministry. Because of plan, I find myself lost and confused when the stones don’t add up. I don’t see his “no” as protection. I see them as failed attempts. 

Besties in Austin

SURPRISE! But God doesn’t need my help writing my story. He doesn't need the stones. I will only hurt myself and others when I try to bypass the wait. 

So here’s to the end! The end of worshipping my plans and asking God to “bless” them. The end of holding on to hopes for too long, expecting God to do things He’s never promised me. I trust you, Abba, that your ways are best and I’m tired of getting in the way with my own stones. I’m letting go to receive all that you HAVE promised: LOVE that is whole, PEACE I can’t understand, JOY in all moments, and POWER that fulfills your promises. 

I’m ready to be present in this season and think about what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise. Please pray with me that I can learn, what Paul calls, the SECRET of being content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4)